How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth
Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.
A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.
I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Angry
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Re-making Photographs.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today, Last Year.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The Mourning Museum
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Monday, February 04, 2008
(a brief break from my normal posting)
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
11 months.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Her Last Movements
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
a temporary distraction.
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
How Have We "Made It" This Far?
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
This is really sad.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
I SEE BLOOD.
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
CD 28.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Photos.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
CD 27....nearly 28...
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore.
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Blah!
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
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