Beauty In Everything

There was a time when it was hard for me to see the true beauty in everything around me. Even though I have always strived really really hard to appreciate everything that I have, and the people in my life, there were times and even now I catch myself being grumpy about things or people. This afternoon while I was napping, or trying to nap I was thinking about how Matt almost lost not only Birdie but me as well. This is not something that I have thought about much, but it is true and I did almost die last year. Our whole traumatic experience and the aftermath made us REALLY see just how important it is not to take anything we have for granted. I try hard everyday to remind myself of this simple fact. It seems strange to think that I would ever again take anything for granted, but I think that I have had moments since losing Birdie when I have. It can be so easy to fall into that trap, and it it a trap. I don't really know what it is I am trying to say here...just that perhaps I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent no matter how much I or we like to think. I am however reminded of the beauty that is life, the simplest things are important, the tiniest little kick or punch that this baby gives me is beautiful. This baby, this baby is keeping on the path of seeing beauty in everything. This baby is inspiring me in so many ways. This baby is a miracle. Baby Bunny, I love you. Birdie, I miss you and love you.

Somehow all the many words that I want to say lately here are escaping me. I'm not sure why this is happening because it feels so good to just get everything out through words. I have been enjoying each day of this blessed pregnancy, and our little bunny is definitely starting to do some thumping. Every few days feeling this baby becomes more pronounced, and I am more assured of this new little life that lives within me. Its a glorious feeling, this baby is a miracle. This next week at the end of the week I will be 21 weeks. I will be 21 weeks and if am to go to 40 weeks it will be 19 weeks until this baby could be born. However, I hope that from the 21 week point that there will only be 17 or so weeks to go. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I just don't want to go anywhere near 40 weeks.

Anyways, I am going to start posting up photos everyday I hope. I got a new camera, a digital SLR (I had been holding out for years on this!). I felt like it was time, as I need to be taking many more photos than I had been and with this camera I will be able to. Not that I will stop using my medium format camera, but it just takes me so long to get down to the lab to drop off and pick up my film. So, I hope you like the photos. Feel free to comment and critique!

18 Weeks, 19 Weeks almost 20 Weeks!

I have been pretty absent from this blog for last week or so. Believe me there is a lot on my mind, but I just couldn't get it onto the blog. I have been feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't been writing as much about Birdie, as this is really her blog. I guess sometimes maybe I run out of new things to say. I miss her still so fiercely, and I still cry over her many nights. I don't want to say that this pregnancy is taking away my deep pain, but I do think that it is helping with some of the hopelessness that has been stirring within my heart for so long. This baby is giving me a renewed hope, and although I don't wish to rush to the end of this pregnancy...I can say that the days seem to be flowing pretty smoothly and I am not dwelling on how much longer I have to go. This pregnancy seems to be going along at a pace I can handle, a pace not too slow and not too fast. With Birdie I was so carefree and it was fine that it seemed to go somewhat slowly. As many of you know very well, the subsequent cannot be so carefree.

As of last week I believed that I was in my 18th week, well the 18 week ultrasound (photos below this post) that we had last wednesday put the baby 6 days ahead. So, when we had our midwife appointment on friday of last week, they changed my due date to Oct 18th. However, we did discuss that there is some room in there that the dates are not exact. Even so, I have made an agreement with this baby that labor WILL begin at 38.5 weeks! We also talked about a few of the "natural" ways to stimulate labor...Evening Primrose Oil, Acupuncture...lots of lovin! =) I just know that if I get anywhere close to where I was with Birdie (41.5 weeks) that I will become panic stricken and perhaps a little crazy with worry.

The other thing we talked about was my weight, in the last month I gained 10 pounds! WHOA! The midwife asked me about my diet, she discovered that perhaps the juice I had been drinking could be the culprit. I was drinking at least 2 big glasses of OJ and apple or grape juice. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! She said she would rather see me eat and orange than drink a glass, as it takes about 10 oranges to make 1 glass! Plus since the baby is now fully formed the extra folic acid isn't needed (there is enough in my pre-natal anyway). So, bye bye juice (except for in middle of the night when I take a swig of apple juice). I'm going to have to drink something besides water though....ugh. I can't stand the taste of water first thing in the morning.

So, I am gaining too much weight a little too fast (my thoughts, nobody has said that to me). However, I know that perhaps I gained too much with Birdie. I mean I was so fucking huge! I know I will probably get bug again, but if I can help it at all I want to. I have been pretty bad about getting to the gym, but I have been exercising a good lot by walking the dog 2 to 3 times a day with at least one 1hour walk if not longer. I have also been wanting to get back to pre-nantal yoga, but the class I used to take doesn't exist! Now I am having a hard time finding something else close to me WTF!

So, to recap this long post. As of early last week we thought I was 18 weeks, by the end of the week I was told that really I was 19 weeks. So, this week at the end of the week I will be 20 weeks! Also, I am finally most definitely feeling some kicks or punches and its SUCH A RELIEF! Its not frequent yet, but I feel certain it will be very soon. I'm still feeling good, and my energy level is good too.

So far, so good. Oh, and did I mention how adorable the baby was when we had the ultrasound? The baby was so squirmy, at one point when were looking at the screen it looked like the baby had turned to look at us (but of course it hadn't), we also got to see the baby open it's mouth to take a little drink...so amazing, so beautiful and I still see Birdie's profile in this little miracles profile. Everything looked good. So far, so good.

The first picture here is the one where the baby looks like it was looking at us, the second, baby is opening its mouth to take a drink...

Originally uploaded by Birdies Mama

Here's my 17 week belly. I must say that it feels really good to have such a nice round belly again. What a relief to be "looking" and feeling pregnant again. I think that I might be feeling some little punches and kicks every now and then, but I can't be entirely sure yet. I need to look back on the blog to see when I started to feel Birdie moving around...she was so adorable when she did move within my womb.


More 17 Week photos here

Charlotte Amelia


Today is the 5th Birthday of my dear friend Carol's daughter Charlotte Amelia. Charlotte left this world all too soon 5 years ago today. Her Mama writes so beautifully about her birth here.

Happy Birthday sweet little Charlotte. You are loved and missed by SO MANY.

MOTHERS DAY WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES IS TODAY!

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but there is a Mothers Day Walk To Remember our Babies today, the local Northampton Mass SHARE group that we go to is hosting it. The "Our Children In Our Hearts Walk", it is happening today, Saturday May 10 at 3:00PM at Childs Park in Northampton Ma. If you are in Ma I strongly urge to to come and join us, it is such a lovely event, plus we have organized a Fathers Day Butterfly Release and Picnic that we will be talking about and having flyers out for. So, Mothers of those children who are with us in spirit, and in our hearts...please come. You will be bathed in love and caring, and surrounded by those who understand.

Love you all of you on this Mothers Day Weekend.
Erin

16 Weeks.

Holy shit, really am I going to be 16 weeks pregnant?

I have been keeping myself pretty busy for the last few months and maybe that is how I have gotten to 16 weeks so quickly? When I stop and look down at my growing belly, which seems to be growing at a rapid rate I still can't believe that the belly I see is mine. I am having a hard time sometimes really letting go for this one...I want to bond, and I do, but some days this is all just too surreal for me. It feels a little too dejavu at times. Maybe once I start to feel movement and I am sure that it's movement and not gas, then things will feel more solid for me. I hate that I get to a semi-detached place in my mind from this pregnancy. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, I feel good, I feel happy and besides the Hypothyroid so far everything seems to be going well. Have any of you had trouble bonding with subsequent babies in utero?

The other thing that is on my mind is this photo project. As you may know I have been working on and thinking about for a good long time now this "Family Portrait" project. I am getting back into it now, and starting to take new photos of any objects that we have collected or been given to remember Birdie by.

I am also trying so hard to work on my artists statement more because I am getting my shit together to submit these photos to galleries. I want so much for these photos to be seen by many, to effect many. Now, I need to ask those of you who are writers and I know that many of you are...could you or would you take a look at my most recent statement and tell me what you think? I am not the best at articulating my ideas through writing so I need all the help I can get to make this statement as strong as it can be.

"Family Portrait explores the invisibility of grief in our American society. Why do we hide from our grief, pain and sorrow (and the grief, pain and sorrow of others?) Why do we as a culture encourage this behavior for each other? What are we ashamed of? I ask this question in regards specific to when the death we hide from is that of a child.

Not until a recent tragic, and horrific loss in my own life, the death of my first born child Birdie who was stillborn on March 3, 2007 have I ever questioned the way in which we "handle" death in this country. The traumatic death of my child, and the intense grief and anger that are with me everyday since have raised so many questions about public grieving for me. As a grieving mother I have become an advocate for speaking out about my grief, my pain and my anger. I have not been and will not be quiet about the death of my daughter.

After Birdie’s death, and while still in the hospital with her we photographed her and each other with her. Even though we were deep in shock, we knew to photograph was right and important, as the days we would have with her would be our only moments with her. With this “evidence of experience” that we have to look upon we retain the searing trauma, intense anger and manic pain of the death of our child."

15 Weeks 4 Days, So Far So Good.

Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I am doing ok mentally, I have just been working (I have a new and pretty rad job!). I have also been trying to get my act together to submit my photos to galleries in the area and continuing to work on/build upon the photo project.

I am feeling pretty good, no sickness or anything so I guess I am lucky for that. It has gotten a little tricky with the eating thing/my hypothyroid/being vegetarian. I have been reading a little about eating fish, i.e. the safest fish to eat while pregnant. It seems from the info I have found that Wild Alaskan Salmon seems to be the safest. However, before I really do start to go that route I am going to speak with my dietitian about it. It's going to be weird to start to eat fish again...I have been vegetarian for more than 10 years! I must do what I have to do for my body and this baby.

At our last midwife apt (CNM apt) last friday, she was pretty sure that she felt my uterus was measuring higher than normal for 14 weeks. She told us it could be that I was carrying twins, further along that we had thought or that I had a fibroid. Well, we had an ultrasound this past friday...and we have one beautiful little life, no twins, no fibroid. It was a little bit dejavu at first going into that ultrasound room, as we couldn't help be reminded of Birdie. It was good though, and what a relief to see little babe on the screen, to see him or her moving around and to see that heart beating away. It was amazing and it was instant love! We have been both having some trouble bonding, but after seeing the baby within my womb I am at peace with this pregnancy and can feel the bond that was always there...it was just hiding under a protective layer in my mind and in my heart. It was so AWESOME to see this baby! It was also so cool to see the baby's profile, which I do think looks a lot like Birdie's did. We have some pictures and were looking at them against Birdies...there is definitely a resemblance!

So, you can probably tell from the tone of my writing that I am doing pretty well with the pregnancy. I just can't allow myself to dwell on all the bad that could happen. It would drive me crazy if I did that, and I want to enjoy this baby as he or she grows within me. It's only fair to do so for all our sakes.

Here are some photos of babe in utero:

Results

So after much anxiety and having to wait. Yes, the office was closed yesterday...then on top of that today I had to wait for the doctor to call in to review my results because he is away for 2 weeks! After all that the bloodwork showed that the level only went up .1, I think that is right. It was 4.91 3 weeks ago and as of friday was 5.1. So, I am starting 1 tablet (100 mcg) of synthroid tonight (and every night) before bed on an empty tummy, and I have my blood work re-checked in 6 weeks. I do feel a little better knowing that at least I can start being treated for this. However, I did make my great concern known to the nurse at the endo's office when I spoke with her. She made it clear that in no way was the doctor making me wait (3 weeks) for no reason to have the apt I had friday. That if after looking at my chart (3 weeks ago) I should have come in earlier then they would have had me come in. So, I don't really know how I feel about all that...and perhaps we will do some doc shopping. I was told about a "more cutting edge" endo doc that is only about an hour from our house. He has written a book about hypothroidism and also has a video that I watched where he talks all about hypothyroid and he seems to really "get it". Plus he has a very holistic approach (i.e. diet, excersise, yoga etc) to treatment of hypothyroidism as well as using conventional medicines of course.

Anyway, I am feeling much less anxiety right now. So I feel good for now.

Damned Patriots Day!

So, of course the first thing I went to do this morning was call the doctors office to get the blood test results. Yes, of course I am trying in vain to be proactive about this, I have already cut all soy out of my diet. This morning, I call and call and call and nobody answers. I try calling many times and still no answer. WHAT THE FUCK! It turns out that the office is closed because of fucking Patriots Day, a little holiday that we still observe in Massachusetts. So, I am pretty pissed off. Why was I told many times over to "call in the office monday". How come none of the 3 women in the office said anything about it being a long weekend. I am trying not to stew over this but I am so mad. I just want to know and start treatment ASAP! I have samples of synthroid at my house that the doc gave me for goodness sake!

This Different Spring

I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.

I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.

What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.

However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.

Warm Spring Air & A Little Anxiety

Finally the spring has arrived here in our little spot in western mass. The air has been perhaps a little bit warmer than it should be for spring, 75 degrees? That is more like summer warm I do believe. Anyways, I am still feeling good and I am really starting to feel pregnant and that feels really good.

However, I am a little on edge. When I had my first blood work done for this pregnancy my TSH levels came back high, like 4.91 or something like that. So, about a week later I had the levels re-tested and this time it came back even a little higher...over 5.0. So, today 3 weeks later I went to the endocrinologist and he felt pretty certain that even after having more bloodwork that I probably really do have hypothyroidism and that I will need to be treated for it. I am glad to be treated for it, but I was pissed that for whatever reason I had been made to wait 3 weeks for the appointment I had today. I had been told when the appointment was made for me that if the doctors office thought I should come in earlier to see the endocrinologist that they would call me. Well, after talking to him it seems like they should have called me and I should have been seen much sooner.

So, now I am a little worried about this. I am a little worried because of all the things that he told me about having hypothyroidism in pregnancy, and how it is linked to miscarriage. I can't lose this baby, I just can't.

edited to add: I forgot to mention that had more blood work to test the FreeT4 levels as well as antibodies. So on monday I will find out about the first blood test and tuesday I will know for sure what the hell is going on and if I will for sure be treated.

Hope.

To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.

Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.

So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.

For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!

For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.

However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.

So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.

She is always in my heart and in my soul.

11 Weeks, 3 Days

Some photos to show our hope, to share with you a glimpse of how far we have come and how much my belly is pooting out already! Its bitter sweet to look at these photos, to see us smiling the same smiles we had when we were so happily pregnant with Birdie.

The Good News

It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.

I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.

So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.

Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.

Birdie, your going to be a big sister! (we hope)

Remembering Riley

Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.

Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.

Home

So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.

I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.

Well, we made it through Birdies Birthday. It was a nice and quiet day, even as sad as it was it was a good day. The weather turned nice and sunny, so we got to take our walk and Macy was happy for that too. Thank you to all who commented or took the time to send us an email, your all so sweet to think of Birdie and us. I have been feeling some disappointment over the friends and family who didn't acknowledge Birdies Birthday. Some people surprised me with not even a note. It hurts. People that I was sure would remember what March 3rd was last year and will always be for us.

Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.

I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.

I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.

Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.

Happy Birthday Little Birdie.
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.


Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)

1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28

that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.

It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.

Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.


Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.

You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.

We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.

My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.

But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.

We will carry you with us always, even in death.

We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)

With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa

Labor

On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.

Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.

Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.

How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth

Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.

A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.

I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.

Angry

I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.

My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.

I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.

Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)

I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.

It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".

So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.

Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.

Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!

Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.

It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.

How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".

I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.

I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!

All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.


p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.

When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?

The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.

I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.

But no, this would not come to pass.

Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.

How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.

How will it feel?

Re-making Photographs.




I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.

They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.

I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.

As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.

Today, Last Year.


Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.

There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....


"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"


"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"


Give me a fucking break!

Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.

I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.

Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.

The Mourning Museum

Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.

My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.

So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.

To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:

MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present

"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"

There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.

So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.

(a brief break from my normal posting)
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!

(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)


(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)

NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!

11 months.

It's now been 11 months since our baby died.

What do I do with this?

What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.

Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.

Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?

WHY WHY WHY?

I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.

The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.

Birdie Love Forever and Always.

Her Last Movements

Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).

So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.

I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!

She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!

Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.

So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.

a temporary distraction.


thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!

here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:

1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.

3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.

4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!

How Have We "Made It" This Far?

"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."

I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.

That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.

Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.

We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.

So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.

It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?

I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.

Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.

This is really sad.

It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.

It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.

Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!

I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?

I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.

Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)

Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)

I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.

I SEE BLOOD.

FUCK!

I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?

CD 29.

no color flows forth from within my body. hoping very hard for good news soon.

CD 28.

what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.

Please may it be this month, PLEASE!

Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.

Photos.

I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!







Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.

CD 27....nearly 28...

Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.

I am trying to be patient, really I am.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore.

I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.

I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.

I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.

This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".

I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!

Blah!

That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".

Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.

Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.

Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.

There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.

I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.

10 Months Away From Her...

I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.

To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.

It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.

I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?

Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.

Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.

Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.

We love you Birdie.

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