Hope.
To be honest I never did think that I would be in this place that I am in. I mean really, after Biride died, and we were "introduced" into a world we never really knew existed (dead baby blog land) how can I possibly allow myself to feel hope? I really don't know where it is coming from. Not that I'm not scared to death of the "what if's", but I just don't want to linger there. I know all about what could happen, but my mind just isn't letting me stay there for very long.
Birdie's death was an accident, she should be here right now. It was because of all of the time that passed when things became dangerous that she is dead. Perhaps it is my knowing this that has allowed me to get beyond being worried all the time. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe that's just who I am. I feel like to spend my time, my precious time being scared is not going to do me any good or this baby. I must feel thankful for right now, this moment and all moments of the day. I have said this before, but I know that really ultimately under most circumstances I have no control so I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time.
One day at a time, because I know deep down inside it could all go to shit tomorrow but why do I want to spend the time stressed out about it and anxiety ridden? I just can't do that.
So, for now I feel good. I feel hopeful. I do feel a little bit of healing in my heart and I am madly in love with this little beauty in my belly.
For those of you who were wondering when we found out that we were pregnant again, we officially found out on March 1st. So, we knew on Birdies 1st birthday. It took a while for it to really sink in, and when my belly started to stick out pretty soon after we definitely knew that this is really happening!
For the time being we are seeing the same care providers that we had been with Birdie, before we started to go to the homebirth midwives. So, we are under the care of the CNM's and Doctor that delivered Birdie. The very same doctor who tried in vain to save her life. We both feel very confident and so happy with the care we have already received. Our first pre-natal was nearly an hour long, and a week and half after it we had another appointment just so that we could hear the heartbeat. What a relief to hear that beautiful sound, we both cried through it. We were told right from the start that we can have anything that we want, tests, ultrasounds etc etc. I won't be induced (something I already knew) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Plus, our doctor and the CNM's are PRO VBAC, and that is what I want for myself to. My only concern is going to 40 weeks, I just don't want to get that far. I would be happy with 38 weeks, so we will see when the time comes. All in all we are comfortable with these wonderful care providers, we are close with them and they know us and remember Birdie so we are treated with nothing but kindness.
However, we are going to have a meeting with a midwife from the local "big" hospital. We want to do this just to see how our care might be different, how they approach a "patient" like me etc.
So, that's the scoop from over here. On thursday I will be 12 weeks. I don't want this pregnancy to go by too fast, but then again...I want to hear that beautiful sound of this baby crying...I want to look at my beautiful husband and see the tears of love, happiness and healing and I want to know, finally how it feels to hold a living breathing child that we have created together. I want to know this, and also think of Birdie and think how she might have been...and know who she always will be.
She is always in my heart and in my soul.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
The Good News
It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.
I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.
So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.
Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.
It seemed as though the day would never come that I would be able to share with all of you that we had been blessed once again. Alas, the day did come and we are so thrilled. Of course we are a little nervous with all that we now know. However, we cannot allow our worry to consume us. All that we can do is enjoy this beautiful miracle, love this baby as we love Birdie and be thankful for what we have right now, today. Thank you for your kind words of congratulations...I am trying very hard to accept the congratulations. At times it seems like that word should be saved until after the baby is actually here, alive. Please don't think me ungrateful, I am, your all so sweet.
I have been trying to upload the recording of the babies heart beat that we have, but blogger doesn't seem to like it.
So, here we are again. Pregnant and trying to be positive. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the LIVE birth of this child. I have to be optimistic about this pregnancy otherwise I feel like I will go crazy. I know that it's going to be really hard at times to be positive, but I promise to keep trying, being and living this way. I do feel good about this pregnancy and I AM going to try and trust this baby. I just have to for me, for Matt and for the baby. I want to see the light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I need to feel and think that we will get to meet this baby in life.
Therefore, I understand if some of you might not want to hang around and read this blog. I know that for some the road has been too bumpy, and too scary. That perhaps my optimism about our subsequent pregnancy might be too much.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Remembering Riley
Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.
Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.
Today I am thinking of and remembering baby Riley. Sweet Riley was born many weeks too soon. Matt and I met Riley's Mama at our first SHARE meeting, it was her first meeting too. There was an instant connection, as both our babies were born/died during the same month, and our grief was still so raw, so fresh. We continue to see and support each other at our local SHARE meetings.
Thinking of you Riley on this day, March 26, 2008. Thinking of you and your family with much love and sadness for your absence.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Home
So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.
I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.
So we made it home safely. We had a really nice time in VA, though I didn't get to take any of the graveyard photos I had hoped to. For some reason it was really hard to locate old graveyards close by where we were staying. Anyways, the weather was nice and much warmer than New England's. I will write more about our trip later and post some photos.
I have been feeling like I am neglecting Birdie somehow...like I just go through the day to day and I don't think of her enough or something. I can't really understand or explain how it is I have been feeling since her birthday, maybe I am just really depressed and I don't realize it. There are all of these things that I want to do to creatively express my sorrow but instead I'm not doing them and I just feel bad about it. I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what I am trying to say here, I just needed to get this out because it's making me so angry with myself. I am just so angry and so damn sad.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Well, we made it through Birdies Birthday. It was a nice and quiet day, even as sad as it was it was a good day. The weather turned nice and sunny, so we got to take our walk and Macy was happy for that too. Thank you to all who commented or took the time to send us an email, your all so sweet to think of Birdie and us. I have been feeling some disappointment over the friends and family who didn't acknowledge Birdies Birthday. Some people surprised me with not even a note. It hurts. People that I was sure would remember what March 3rd was last year and will always be for us.
Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.
I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.
I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.
Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.
Anyway, we took a lot of photos that I want to share with you. I am just too lazy to get them up here but I will before we leave on Thursday for our vacation.
I am SO ready to get the fuck out of here. I am ready ready ready! We haven' taken a real vacation like this since the first year we were dating when we went to Ireland for 10 days. We are heading to Virginia, where the weather will be more springlike than here and I am told that the flowers should be in bloom! Finally, we can get away and really relax together for a bit and not think about too much. I am also hoping that this vacation will be invigorate my creative juices that have been sort of falling asleep as of late. I have been fighting myself to produce something anything creative....and it's been hard for me. I am still working on the photo project that I started last fall, but was sort of on hiatus.
I hope to find some beautiful old graveyards on this trip, and whatever else might catch my eye and work with my photo series.
Well, thank you again for remembering Birdie on her birthday. It means so much.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Happy Birthday Little Birdie.
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.
Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)
1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28
that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.
It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.
Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.
Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.
You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.
We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.
My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.
But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.
We will carry you with us always, even in death.
We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)
With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa
We love you, we miss you...we really really miss you.
Here is how it began...(from Matt's notes when I began having contractions on Friday March 2nd early in the morning)
1:00 am in the bath tub
1:40 mucous plug
2:12
2:22 - 60 seconds
2:34 - 30 seconds
2:40 - 65 seconds
2:57 - 65 seconds
3:10 - 75 seconds
3:15 - 60 seconds
3:22 - 60 seconds
3:32 - 75 seconds
3:39 - 65 seconds
3:51 - 65
3:58 - 60
4:02 - 60
4:13 - on the phone w midwife
4:19 - 45 sec small one
4:24 - 60 - standing
4:31 - 30 sec back in tub
4:35 - 55
4:39 - 20 seconds very small
4:46 - 60 seconds
4:51 - 60 oranges
4:56 - 55 toast
5:01 - 50
5:05 - 25 secs
5:10 - 45 secs
5:14 - 55 secs
5:18 -
5:22 - 25 secs out of tub standing
5:32 - mini 15 sec rest
5:40 - intense - puke seeing little white fireflies
5:50 - 55
5:56 - 45
6:02 - back in tub
6:08 - 45
6:13 - 40
6:20 - 45
6:26 - 65
6:33 - 45
6:41 - 40
6:46 - 50
6:51 - 50
6:57 - 3 in here
7:18 - 40
7:23 - 7:28
that is where his notes recording my contractions stop...as one of our midwives had around that time arrived at our home. Less than 24 hrs later, our lives were turned upside down and shaken with amost fierce force and then slammed as hard as possible upon the ground....but then before my eyes my baby became an angel and in some way told me to stay here on earth as her life slipped through my body and into the universe.
It feels really strange this day. This day that was supposed to be really happy, a day that we had both imagined when we were pregnant with Birdie, our child's first birthday. I feel lost in a mental fog right now, and it doesn't even seem real that this day is here. Even now I can remember so clearly seeing and holding Birdie for the first time and then those 3 days that followed. I can't believe that I didn't have a nervous breakdown during that time, or at anytime this past year. I guess that I am a lot stronger in mind than I had really known.
Today just like on this day last year time will stop for us, and carry on for everyone else. Today I will want to just stay in bed all day and just think about her, but I won't, we won't. The fresh air of the mountains nearby are just what we need on this day. Surrounding ourselves in nature is what we will do.
Birdie, my little one. It feels like only yesterday (or today, because it's your day) that we help you so close and felt your warm skin.
You still feel so close to us even though your body has become earthen Ashe.
We keep you close by in your bed that was meant to keep you side by side with us, but now houses all your little toys and paper cranes.
My womb from where you flew with grace into the world has now healed, and on the outside the mark has healed.
But my heart is not healed, nor is Papa's heart. Our hearts will forever remained scarred by your death and scarred by the deepest love for you, our beloved daughter.
We will carry you with us always, even in death.
We are always one together. (Mama/Papa/Birdie)
With greatest enormous eternal love,
Mama & Papa
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Labor
On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.
Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.
Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.
On this day, March 2nd of last year I was most definitely in labor. Deep into a very painful labor with a beautiful little girl who we were certain we would soon meet. I thought that maybe today my body would have some sort of reaction, like it would remember what was happening last year. Not so much.
Yesterday we were very happy to receive cards from some very lovely friends that we have made in the last year. As well as receiving 2 gorgeous bouquets of flowers (peruvian lillies I believe) that are today opening and they are just so beautiful (thank you Erica xoxo). It means so much that people remember Birdie, and that on March 3, tomorrow she would be 1. I am afraid that there are some of our friends that will have forgotten and that makes me really sad and a little hurt.
Anyway, tomorrow we will spend alone. Just the 2 of us and the spirit of our beautiful daughter. We got her gifts today as the children's shop we were going to go to will be closed tomorrow. So, a peaceful walk in the woods it shall be. A peaceful walk, and then we will bake her cake, and light one candle and perhaps a small cold breeze will blow it out.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
How We Will Honor Our Girl On The 1 year Anniversary of Her Birth
Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.
A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.
I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.
Birdie's birthday is going to be quiet, simple, full of love and tears.
A few months ago I asked Matt what he would like to do for Birdie's Day, or what he was thinking about for her day. Some time ago I had felt and thought it would be nice to just go to the local children's shop and get her a beautiful gift, then maybe go for a walk in the woods, and finally come home and bake her a little cake. When we talked about it together, we were both in agreement. So, I think that is what we are going to do. I hope to also read her some stories and at night light candles upon our mantle, which has become an alter for her. Last night at our local SHARE meeting we were asked about what we were thinking of doing, if we had any plans. It was nice to hear what other families have done for their little ones, and to share our plans for Birdie's Day.
I know it's going to be tough, and the day before will be hard to as I was happily in labor with her and we were so excited to meet her. Well we got to meet our beloved, but it was too late to meet her in life.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Angry
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
I am just pissed off. I have been weepy all day and I am starting to feel like crap. The weather is crap, everything is crap. If you are looking for an uplifting read today, this is not your stop. The days are bringing us closer and closer to Birdies day. The day that should have been her 1st birthday, it can and will be her birthday but not the way that it should be. It pains me to think about who she would be right now, and I have written about this before. Being that much closer to her 1 year I can't stop thinking about it.
My last post was really harsh I know, but I am not sorry for the things I wrote. I am so scared for these women who allow themselves to be drawn and pulled into the world of wine and roses of homebirthing and freebirthing. These people who think that they all know so much about birth and how "safe" it is to birth at home. I can only hope that other mothers who have had a baby die as a result will speak up and speak out.
I just feel sick about so much right now, scared for the future and longing for what we have lost and are missing. Birdie you are so loved and never ever forgotten.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
When Birdie died I became a completely different person. Of course I did, how can your life, your level footing in the world not be shaken to it’s core? How can your soul not be smashed to pieces and heart shattered in a million shards?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
The feeling of longing to hold her, the life that had been within her in my arms was beyond words. That longing was larger than the universe. My arms ached and my breasts swelled. Almost from the first day of her death our caregivers were gently reminding me about the milk that was to come in. Perhaps I should start to slow it, or stop this from happening. So, with tear filled eyes and an aching heart and an agonizing mind I bound my breasts with cold cabbage and drank Sage tea over and over again.
I did get to see a little clue of what could have been and it pained me to my core. Another slap to the face and heart. How glorious the milk would have been if I had allowed it to pour from my breasts. How beautiful and rich, ready to nurture my beautiful babe.
But no, this would not come to pass.
Right now, today it has been 11 months and 2 weeks since our little beauty died. She died and became part of the wind and air again. She became everything. She became the incredible overflowing love that fills out hearts.
How shall it feel to have a new life within my womb? The same womb that held Birdie, that safely held her for 41 1/2 weeks? The same womb that she left the world to become the wind and the air and love.
How will it feel?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Re-making Photographs.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
I am still working on this project of re-making the only photographs we have of Birdie and us, and her alone. Tonight I was looking at photos of a baby that was born days after Birdie. This baby is the child of some friends, this child was born alive one week after Birdie. It broke me to see the photos of this baby. It made me so angry to see the happiness in their eyes, holding their daughter with such love.
They have many photographs of their daughter as she has grown up. That baby is almost one, just as Birdie would have been almost one this March 3rd.
I am still feeling really angry. More so as the days of this month are marked off, as the days grow closer to my estimated due date. We are approaching rough waters, very rough waters and I am falling more and more fragile.
As I was saying, the photos of our friends baby...seeing them angered me, I want to have that. I wanted to have those photos. I wonder if they even realize how lucky they are to have what they have? So, in my haste I worked on re-making some of our photos...re-making them so that we have more images of her, new images of her. I get so lost in seeing her face. When I was creating the photo of her, the images moved slightly with the change of opacity...it was like she was moving gently, as if she was alive.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today, Last Year.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say. With Birdie's 1st birthday coming up on the horizon I feel pretty numb and speechless. What more can I say, I am heartbroken and devastated and you already know that.
There is one thing I want to rant about, and that is The Trust Birth Conference. I just happened upon this site, as I did around this time last year....
"Birth is inherently safe.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the fear that is propagated around birth by our society, then come see us in beautiful Redondo Beach, California March 7-9, 2008 for the Trust Birth Conference!"
"Birth Is Safe;Interference Is Risky"
Give me a fucking break!
Actually, NO BIRTH IS NOT SAFE all the time, and INTERFERENCE CAN SAVE BABIES sometimes.
I know that I gave this slap in the face to myself by even going to this site, but I find myself more and more enraged with this kind of shit. The naivety of these people is incredible. They don't know and won't allow themselves to see on the other side of the coin, death. I know because I was one of those people, I was naive and stupid enough to think that all would be great and wonderful. It's not all flowers and sunshine and that is the kind of message this conference can give.
Please excuse my ranting, after what happened to us, to Birdie I cannot help it. I don't want someone else to have their baby die like ours did.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The Mourning Museum
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Not exactly many peoples first choice of a museum, but well it's actually a really important and beautiful museum, a beautiful and important collection of mourning photography and other mourning momento's.
My dear friend Mellisa happens to be the assistant to the husband and wife team that started this museum together in Chicago. She had told me about it and what she was doing a few years ago, but I kind of "didn't get it" I guess you could say. I always knew that her artwork had aspects of mourning within them, but I truly didn't "get it". Soon after sweet little Birdie died, she again mentioned to me the Mourning Museum, and this time I listened. She saw the many photos that we had taken, and she knew that we might be interested in what the Mourning Museum could maybe offer to us in the future.
So, here we are 11 months and 4 days since our beloved passed on to ride the waves of the universe, and we have been welcomed with open arms to share/submit our mourning photographs and writings. So, I am working on getting things together to submit to the Mourning Museum. Writings and photos, and probably some of the photos that I have been working on...that I hope, I really hope to present in a gallery someday. Maybe for Birdie's 2nd Birthday.
To help you understand a little more about the MoMP:
MoMP owns and protects over 1000 mourning photographs and negatives, circa 1840 to present
"The Museum of Mourning Photography & Memorial Practice is not intended for morbid fascination, but as an investigation into human ritual"
There is a lot more information on their website, and I encourage you to take a look.
So anyways, that is what I am up to in between working and trying to get my act together to keep my photo project going. To help me with that I bought a new (old camera). A Yashica Medium Format camera. My intention, and idea is to shoot portraits of Matt and I using infrared film (it will look more interesting than it sounds when I integrate these photos into the rest of the project). I also bought it because we are going on vacation to Virginia in March (finally a REAL vacation!), and I hope to explore some old graveyards and find some gravestones of well, stillborn babies. That might sounds really intense, but well I am interested in doing a sort of anthropological study of stillbirth I guess. I feel a connection to not only those that I know in contemporary life who have lost their babies, but also to those who lost their loves long, long ago.
Monday, February 04, 2008
(a brief break from my normal posting)
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
LETS VOTE FOR UNITY and HOPE!
(remember that Queen Latifa song, U.N.I.T.Y....well it's a good one!)
(here is where this image came from, http://obeygiant.com/post/obama)
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ROCK THE VOTE!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
11 months.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
It's now been 11 months since our baby died.
What do I do with this?
What do I do with all this time that has just slipped by.
Each month seems to slip through my fingers faster and faster now.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with this. What to do with all these days. minutes. hours. seconds. I hate that this is my life. I hate that Birdie is dead. What more can I say. I don't know what to say. Why didn't this happen, or that? Why did she die?
WHY WHY WHY?
I am devastated and heartbroken, now and forever.
The one constant that will always remain is the incredible love for her. It grows with each day, minute, hour, second.
Birdie Love Forever and Always.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Her Last Movements
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Last night was our local monthly SHARE group. Its not that far to travel to it, and we have been attending since the month after Birdie died. I cannot express how much going and meeting other people who have had infant loss and talking things out loud has helped. We REALLY needed the support group in the very early months, and we still do now but as the months have passed we do observe the difference in our grief. We are very fortunate to have this local SHARE group, as I know that not all areas, or hospitals know about SHARE to recommend it, or even what to do for parents when a baby dies (which just makes me sick and pissed off).
So, last night at the meeting a few of us started talking about how we should have known that something was wrong with our babies, that our bodies should have told us SOMETHING! I have written about this before, but for some reason again it is on my mind. The day my labor had started and then stalled (started early am and stalled a few hours later), I noticed that I did not feel Birdie moving as much. I was a little concerned, and so I asked one of our midwives who reassured me that it is "normal" for the baby to "bear down" when contractions happen. So, I didn't think much about it because I had been reassured, right? But, for the last few days I had been thinking about this, replaying in my head what I was thinking, because I didn't really feel any movement that whole day that my labor was stalled. Again, I had gotten that reassurance. Maybe I did know that something was not right, but was too afraid to say anything. I don't know but I now when I think about that, and I think about being asked in the hospital after she died if I knew about kick counts, I was not sure. I mean at that point nothing mattered, my body failed her and she died.
I really am starting to think that I really should have said something, asked more about it or called the nurse midwives at the Birthing Center for reassurance. If I had called there maybe they would have asked me to come in "just to be sure", that things were ok. That the baby was ok and tolerating labor ok (even though it was stalled). It's that fucking naivety and blissfully pregnant person that I was, totally fine with having baby at home that I cannot stand!
She wasn't moving very much, and yes she was big and didn't have much room but HELLO, DING DING DING! Shouldn't that have added up to something? Well, maybe Erin you should just go into the Birth Center to have a non stress test, let's just be cautious. I mean, your babies life might be at stake! Oh, really...hmm, I hadn't thought about that. No, instead I was in LA LA LAND!
Oh, and yes I should have known. I REALLY should have known when I was in the throws of incredibly painful labor and when I sat on the toilet it felt like I had to shit so bad (and I didn't have to!) that my intestines might come out my ass! That didn't seem to be OK to me, but again I was reassured that it sounded normal. Maybe the pain I was feeling was the warning, and if it was it was ignored. When I look back now, I do see that perhaps my body was telling me something. Not all mothers labor the same exact way, and I was not progressing, and things were taking a long time. Something was wrong, and it was only after her heart rate dropped that we did anything about it. It was too late, and I can't help but feel guilty about it. No matter what anyone tells me, "it wasn't your fault" or whatever, well I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she was in distress. I just should have known how dangerous the situation was that I put her in.
So, since I was really the only one who could have done something to save her in the situation (being at home), I should have just demanded to go to the Birth Center. Why didn't I? I will NEVER make that mistake again, fuck! My daughter paid the price for my being so trusting in labor and birth, not allowing the thought that something could go wrong into my mind. It's infuriating, I feel like I should be given an eternity of lashes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
a temporary distraction.
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
thanks Niobe for this, the album cover meme!
here is what it is, for those of you who don't know:
1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and there you have it, your album!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
How Have We "Made It" This Far?
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
"How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know."
I wrote that almost a month after Birdie died, back when I was posting almost everyday, writing so much because I had to. I don't know how we go through those long, dark and exhausting days but we did. We did, and we are still here. I got a lovely email from A- from Paw Prints On My Heart. She is 3 months from the death of her third baby, her sweet little baby boy. She asked how we have made it these 10 months.
That was something that though I do ask myself that question, I never really think about it. I just do the things that I do to get through each day. I guess the grief work is just such a part of who we are now without Birdie that I don't really notice that I am doing it anymore, and I don't think that is the case. I don't know. I don't want to really be any kind of advice giver for "How To Survive After Your Much Awaited Baby Dies". However, I do want the parents that have had this happen to know that is OK to grieve your baby and take as long as you need to. Cry as much as you need to, be angry when you need to. It felt so important to just do those things when we needed to, and I really think that it helped very much. It helped to just be open and let our grief purge forth.
Even now, these months later that is still how we are dealing. The days of crying uncontrollably don't happen as often as they did. However, when one of us has a day like that we just embrace it.
We are also lucky to have all of the photos of Birdie and of us with her while in the hospital. Those photos have been a very important piece to our healing, to our path of grief. We also attend our local SHARE meeting once a month, and we have since Birdie died. The support and understanding has been beyond helpful. The many of you who have been there for us since you heard the tragic news, and the many of you who found us since, your support and understanding has been so incredibly important.
So, I guess there are many pieces to the work we have been doing to remember Birdie and to "live on", not "move on" without her. It is very important that we don't "move on" from this. How anyone can say that they have moved on from this kind of loss I don't understand. It feels so right to live on with your baby in you heart and your mind...it feels ok and like the healthy thing to do to remember them. It feels important to not forget when and how Birdie died. Yes, it is really incredibly sad and tragic, but it is just what happened and we can't change it right? So, why would be shut it away and try to forget. It is the pain that comes from remembering that we must feel and experience. It is that pain that we have allowed ourselves to experience and be honest with that has allowed us to get to where we are. We choose to remember, we do not choose to forget.
It is the last moments in the hospital that she was still alive inside of me. It is the nurse midwife breaking my water to put the fetal scalp monitor upon Birdies head and then hearing her say "there's no heartbeat", and my body going into some kind of shock and seeing nothing but white....it is these hard to face memories that I need to relive, and replay. These memories somehow help me to remember Birdie. I think about this, and how I knew I was going to have an emergency c section (seconds after hearing the words "no heartbeat"). I thought that I was ok, and she was ok. I thought that the c section was going to save her life. I mean, I was in the hospital, so they would be able to save her life right?
I am still really very, very sad a lot.
I don't cry as often as I used to that is true, but I am very sad.
Very often I try to go back to the moments right after I knew she was dead, to relive how I felt right then. So completely numb. Sometimes I want to be able to go there, I want to feel the searing pain and longing for her. It was that raw emotion, the mix of pure love, pain & sorrow that was our connection to her for the 3 days we got to hold her and be with her body. I want to remember it as clearly as I can, but I can't quite get back to it. It's sort of like my mind won't let me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
This is really sad.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
It feels really sad, to once again not have succeeded in creating another life.
It feels really sad, and I am really shocked.
Last night there was a little spotting, and I was like NO NO NO! Not again! Then, I got up around 6am this morning to pee and oh great! FUCK! NO! BLOOD! DAMNIT!
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn't cry. I am really trying hard to not get too upset. I know that it takes time to make a baby, and I know that I am not broken. I think that our timing was just off. I mean, my cycle is still weird. Maybe that OPK is totally bogus, who knows?
I have just had a few yummy raspberry beers so excuse me if my writing is a little whacked out.
Maybe I should get one of those digital ovulation monitors, maybe we are totally off with the ovulation? I just don't know, I have no answers. (duh of course we are off on the ovulation timing, I"M NOT PREGNANT!)
Then again, like my beautiful husband said to me, "Making a life takes time, its a mystery how and when it happens..." or something like that, hey I had a few beers, give me a break. =)
I think that I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.
I SEE BLOOD.
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
FUCK!
I am totally confused. I have been charting diligently since Sept. My cycles seemed to be getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule. Now I am just like what the fuck? In Sept I got my period twice, on Sept 1 = 27 days, Sept 28 = 28 days, October 26th = CD 29, November was a 28 day cycle, then again in Dec back to 29 days and now this month its 30 days!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! No wonder we aren't pregnant yet, my cycles are all fucked up! Has anyone else had this problem?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
CD 28.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
what will tomorrow bring? I did not sleep well last night at all. I was sort of having bad dreams of blood....and I think I was trying to ward off, that thing, you know that thing that I DONT WANT! I do not dare name it at this point.
Please may it be this month, PLEASE!
Birdie I hope that you have found us a lovely little soul to live in Mama's belly for a little while.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Photos.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
I haven't posted anything photographic in a long time, well at least no pictures of the beautiful places that I take Macy to for walks. Matt & I got snowshoes as a gift from my parents, and so I have been having fun walking in the snow and so has Ms. Macy! These are photos from where I have been taking her, the local "meadows", basically its a very large piece of farm land that is still worked during the spring-fall (yeah! no condo developments!) and its great for snowshoeing and walking your dog off leash in the wintertime, and that is Macy's favorite!
Oh and Merlin, one of our kitties has been sleeping in Birdie's co-sleeper that is still beside our bed with her urn, a crochet blanket made by my mom's friend, many little origami cranes, some of her clothes, a birdie pillow, bird scarves, the journal we got for people to write their names in at the funeral home...and I think that's it. Her co-sleeper is against our bed, on my side of the bed. So, I sleep really close to her each night...I only wish I could hear her breathing in my ear as she sleeps. Instead she is eternally sleeping, and you can't hear the breath of someone when their dead.
CD 27....nearly 28...
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Will there be a CD 28? Or a CD 29? Last month I was tricked! I thought that my body had settled back into 28 day cycles when low and behold the blood began to flow on CD 29. I can't stand this waiting, I have no choice though, so I will just complain. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get my period this month....can't they be enough to make it not come? Of course I know that it's not, but the thought of being disappointed again...I don't want to be that person again.
I am trying to be patient, really I am.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore.
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
I have gotten into this sort of schedule of working really regularly and knitting most nights, and it is filling my mind. Then I stop myself and I just try to think and there isn't much there, does that make sense? It's like I am just doing all of this meaningless stuff and it's numbing me or something. I don't like feeling this way at all. Even though I am doing all this "stuff" it does not really satisfy me at all. I want to keep on working on my photo project, but somehow I never do. I still have a video that I began when I was pregnant that I really want to be working on, but I never do. I am just in a funk. I am a little stuck.
I really hope for some good news next week, I REALLY REALLY do. Today is CD 23, and I am getting anxious. Still I am trying not to get my hopes up again, like I did last month. I really wanted to get pregnant last month, on that 9th month since Birdie had died. I don't want to start feeling like there is something wrong with me, I know we haven't been trying for all that long, but when you want something SO bad 3 or 4 months seems like a long time. With Birdie we weren't even trying, she just came to us and it was a beautiful miracle.
I have said this before, we are ready. My mind, body and soul are ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I would be looking for any signs, but with Birdie there were no early signs of my pregnancy, only that my period came late and it was really unusual for that to happen. Even with as much as we want to be blessed with another pregnancy this month, we know that even when you want something bad enough does not mean that you will get it.
This week I walked the dog past the hospital side entrance that we had gone in that night. The hospital entrance that nobody was waiting at to let us in with our emergency. The hospital entrance that I then had to waddle my way into and down a long hallway as fast as I could to the elevator to the birth center. I have been walking past the hospital for many months, but never by that door. Never by that part of the hospital that also allows a view of the room where we were with her, our nest of a room, our "safe place".
I spent time with Charlotte's Mama and her sweeties today, Charlotte's spirit, Liam and Aiofe. A couple of times I almost cried, as her children are just so beautiful to behold. They speak so very sweetly of Charlotte, and Birdie. It absolutely warms my heart to hear them say Birdies name, it fills me with such joy and hope. To observe Charlotte's Mama with her precious little ones gives me strength, she lifts me up, and her friendship means the world to me. She now has what I right now dream of, a future, a future filled with giddy lauphter and boundless bundles of joy and song. I want to dance again, I want to be that Mama to be, and through Charlotte's Mama I know that I can someday. I know that I can, and not only will I dance, I will sing. When I hear the cries of my sweet babe full of life, lungs full of air and heart beating loud and strong, I WILL SING!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Blah!
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
That's how I feel these days, just Blah! A big blob of boring blah blah blah that leaves me with a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in my mouth. I know that some of you know that I work from home, and I wonder how many others of you out there do as well...and if you do how many of you are from MA? I am asking because more recently I am beginning to have just a little bit of cabin fever. I LOVE being at home, and working here, I am so lucky to have the job that I have. However, some days I realize that I really need to get out of the house, and I would more often but then I have to drive to go to the closest coffee shop for a change of scenery and atmosphere and I hate having to drive. I don't go out much because I feel guilty about it, about making even a little bit of my own "carbon imprint".
Anyways, it would be great if any of you "stay at home mum's"(and non even those of you who don't work from home) might be interested getting together once in a while at a central location, like a coffee shop or something like that. To hang out, talk about our sweet little babes and just spend some time together. I have sort of proposed an idea like this before, and here I am trying it out again.
Even if you are in CT, VT or NH we could all try and pick a central spot that could be a nearly equal distance for all. I would be happy to be in charge of orchestrating the whole thing.
Something else that is always on my mind now is thinking about the things that Birdie might be doing. I wonder if she would be trying to walk, or maybe she would be able to walk a little on her own. I can picture her little wobbly legs struggling and her arms extended, and her little hands in her Papa's....as he helps to ever so gently guide her along. Its so heart breaking. Now when I see a baby that looks around her age I instantly wonder, would Birdie look that big by now? Would she be even bigger? Or if I see a father holding what looks like a 10 or so month old child I get a teared up, and my heart breaks for Matt. Then I think about his face, how he used to look when he would talk to Birdie when she was in my belly, and how she would respond. The look on Matt's face, so full of pride to be a Papa...to be Birdies Papa. He went from being scared of being a father to the most loving and joyful father I have ever seen.
There are 2 photos on our fridge that were taken when I was around 4 months pregnant, and at a family birthday party. The photos are of me and Matt and my little pooty belly, and we both look so happy...I mean the happiness and excitement just oozes from those photos. Nonetheless we keep those photos on the fridge, they are still special and a reminder of who we were when we still had Birdie, and out innocence.
I am also feeling a tiny bit impatient having to wait to find out if our ttc this month was successful. From the amount of "good times" we had...and I am not just saying that, we had a lot of fun! I will be really really sad if once again we do not get pregnant. I was pretty devastated last month. Is it not enough to will it to be happen, to will it to be true? What the heck am I talking about...it wasn't enough to think that I knew my body well enough, to think that Birdie would be born safely. I still can't get over that I did not know deep down that something was going on with her, that I could not "hear" any warning signs or feel something to clue me in. I will always have this self doubt, that is just how it is.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
10 Months Away From Her...
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.
To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.
It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.
I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?
Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.
Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.
Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.
We love you Birdie.
tweet, tweet!
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know what I feel anymore. Last year was the worst year of my life. Neither one of us have ever experienced anything as tragic as the death of our own baby Birdie. Nothing. NOTHING! Last year just sucked, sucked sucked! My father got terminated from his job after 30 plus years! Thanks G.W.! You fucking piece of shit! There were also many other deaths, no babies, but lots of death & sickness. Oh what a dark, dark year.
To enter into a new year seems like a positive thing, then at the same time is really sad. 2007 was her year, it was the year she came to us. It was the year that we got to meet our little beauty. Oh and was she ever a masterpiece! Birdie was and is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and we made her. So, even in the darkness of the last year, we still felt the importance of being able to share with her our love when she was alive inside of me. Even in death we still share our love with her, and our love of her with others, as many others as we can.
I often think that I should be much more sad than I am. I mean I am still incredibly sad and I always will be, the tears still come very easily. I still cry for Birdie all the time. I guess that sometimes I get to a place emotionally now that I think about her beauty and how perfect she was and it brings me peace? Does that sound weird? Keeping her in the forefront of my thoughts and my being is perhaps what is keeping me going. She is just always there with me, with us. I wear her ashes in a beautiful piece of jewelry, I wear her photo around my neck as well for all to see. And now with our "Birdie Amiina Ruby" tattoos Matt and I will forever wear her name upon our flesh, and across our hearts; another way of "etching" our eternal love for her upon our bodies.
It is all we can do right? All we can do is make art to purge our grief, all we can do is say OUT LOUD and whisper her name softly, and say goodnight to her each night. All we can do is continue to keep her memory alive, and love her, and love each other.
I think that curtain of grief has found its final resting place, its about halfway open now. Its halfway open, and that is where I want it to stay. Halfway between happy and sad, because that it where I am at. In a constant state of happy and sad and I am ok with that. I feel comfortable with that, I accept it. That is just who I am now. Yes I am changed, I am not the Erin I used to be. There are sparks of me that fly up and out of me and into the air sometimes (and I am like Oh, I remember her!), but its only ever temporary. I am changed, and that is ok too. I would be changed if Birdie had lived right?
Who knew that one year of one's life could be so great and happy and innocent one day, and so utterly tragic and dark the next. I had fantasies of this past holiday being very different, full of happy smiling faces and a beautiful baby full of giggles and wonder. How naive of me, how naive. We didn't do anything this holiday, we didn't give a crap about it. Our New Years was just us and it was really lovely and quiet (we made veggie chilli, looked through our album of Birdie photos and cried a little, oh and drank a bottle of wine). I do hope for a better year this new year...this year of 2008 (an even number!). I am auspicious of even numbers even more than I was before (our wedding date is the 8th of Oct). I hope for HOPE this year, renewal and new life, new LIFE! I hope for all of you good things. With every fiber of my being, I do.
Fuck, I can't believe 10 months have passed. 10 months from holding her for the first time, I can remember how she felt. She was "still" warm and she smelled so good. She had that newborn smell that I had heard so much about and looked forward to. She was stunning, absolutely stunning and she was perfect...she was perfect except her little heart didn't beat.
Dear sweet Birdie, I miss you more and more every single day. Our hearts are still broken, and they always will be. We miss you fiercely and we speak of you so often. I wonder what you would be doing RIGHT NOW? That is all that I can do, wonder.
We love you Birdie.
tweet, tweet!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Whaddya Got On Tap?
Oh yes I will have a pint Berkshire Brewery Steel Rail please! For those of you who don't know I am a fan of the beer. I will not drink what I call "crappy beer", no only the best for me. I love the German Weiss beers with an orange (SO GOOD, its ads a tinge of sweet and orange to the flavor of the beer!), but if I can't get a Weiss on tap, then I just go for the best of the choices available.
I have not been drinking much at all in the past nearly 10 months. I was told that that drinking isn't good for one's fertility. So, I took that very seriously and had maybe 4 tastes of beer in the last 10 months. Then I had this great conversation with a good friend who was conceived from a drunken night that her parents had. So, I got to thinking, since we are so focused on our ttc (we are in ttc land this weekend people!) that maybe I need to loosen up a little. Ah, I know just how to do that....GIVE ME A BEER!
So, since other methods have not worked thus far....lets try the tipsy method! Don't worry we are not drinking and driving. Matt is my designated driver (and he has been sick, so no drinks for him!), in more ways then one! Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Anyways, so yeah drinking and well making out, what can I say it makes things all the more interesting!
Has anyone else tried the drunken ttc method?
Oh and at the bar last night, this guy asked Matt how much he would pay to have someone punch him (Matt) because he (Matt) is so pretty! WTF?
Oh yes I will have a pint Berkshire Brewery Steel Rail please! For those of you who don't know I am a fan of the beer. I will not drink what I call "crappy beer", no only the best for me. I love the German Weiss beers with an orange (SO GOOD, its ads a tinge of sweet and orange to the flavor of the beer!), but if I can't get a Weiss on tap, then I just go for the best of the choices available.
I have not been drinking much at all in the past nearly 10 months. I was told that that drinking isn't good for one's fertility. So, I took that very seriously and had maybe 4 tastes of beer in the last 10 months. Then I had this great conversation with a good friend who was conceived from a drunken night that her parents had. So, I got to thinking, since we are so focused on our ttc (we are in ttc land this weekend people!) that maybe I need to loosen up a little. Ah, I know just how to do that....GIVE ME A BEER!
So, since other methods have not worked thus far....lets try the tipsy method! Don't worry we are not drinking and driving. Matt is my designated driver (and he has been sick, so no drinks for him!), in more ways then one! Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Anyways, so yeah drinking and well making out, what can I say it makes things all the more interesting!
Has anyone else tried the drunken ttc method?
Oh and at the bar last night, this guy asked Matt how much he would pay to have someone punch him (Matt) because he (Matt) is so pretty! WTF?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Monday, December 24, 2007
Carry Her & All Our Precious Children In Our Hearts
It's the holidays, and I am just not into it. All I can think about, all that I am consumed by how our most precious gift never made it alive into the world. Birdie. All that I can think about is her, and how much time has passed and where we are right now. Our mental states of being are ok. We have not cracked up completely. But that does not mean that there are not really hard days, because as so many of you know there are SO MANY hard days. I am having an in between kind of day and state of mind. I am so sick of all of the holiday cheer right now...
I am glad that people have it, but I just don't feel ok being around it. Probably one day I will want to be around it. However, this year just don't count me in on anything related to the holidays, except maybe snowboarding on the snow that the season has brought us.
Anyways, I am not making much sense anymore. What I really wanted to say is that not only do I carry Birdie in my heart, but I carry all of our children their. I know that there are many...there are too many losses between all of us. But please know that your little ones are very precious to me too. Please know that I am thinking of your sweet little babes.
I sent out an email sort of card (w/photo & poem) to some of you who who's email addresses are in my gmail. Here the a beautiful poem by ee cummings that I put with the photo of Birdie, Me & Matt.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
It's the holidays, and I am just not into it. All I can think about, all that I am consumed by how our most precious gift never made it alive into the world. Birdie. All that I can think about is her, and how much time has passed and where we are right now. Our mental states of being are ok. We have not cracked up completely. But that does not mean that there are not really hard days, because as so many of you know there are SO MANY hard days. I am having an in between kind of day and state of mind. I am so sick of all of the holiday cheer right now...
I am glad that people have it, but I just don't feel ok being around it. Probably one day I will want to be around it. However, this year just don't count me in on anything related to the holidays, except maybe snowboarding on the snow that the season has brought us.
Anyways, I am not making much sense anymore. What I really wanted to say is that not only do I carry Birdie in my heart, but I carry all of our children their. I know that there are many...there are too many losses between all of us. But please know that your little ones are very precious to me too. Please know that I am thinking of your sweet little babes.
I sent out an email sort of card (w/photo & poem) to some of you who who's email addresses are in my gmail. Here the a beautiful poem by ee cummings that I put with the photo of Birdie, Me & Matt.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The Reason
Ok so the reason that I have felt the need to go private with this blog. We are at that point, you know past the 9 months of healing. We want very much to conceive another beautiful life.
I was convinced that in this past month that we had indeed done just that. Then the date that I should have got my "friend" came and went, and and then another day came (and I got SO excited!)...but then that afternoon guess who decided to show up. My hopes were totally slashed and I was so incredibly sad and depressed. I was weepy for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep that night...thinking about Birdie, and thinking about how much we want a brother or sister for her.
It feels like now that we are at the point to be trying and be doing so safely, knowing that my c-section scar is healed...that we have entered into yet another realm of disappointment. Disappointment and heartbreak if that trying does not do what you think and hope that it will.
I am diving into some deep shit here emotionally (as if I wasn't in that deep trench of emotion every day already!), and I just don't want to share this with some family. I just don't want to cause them any more emotional trauma that my emotional trauma could cause with things that I might say (and we don't really want them to know that we are ttc). I just need to vent, and in a more "private" space. Well, at least with people whom I have chosen to share in this emotional roller coaster with me. Those of you who know what the hell of losing your child is and can be, and then the other roller coaster of going ahead and wanting and trying to begin again.
So my friends, welcome to my personal emotional trench. Read all about how I am trying desperately to dig my way out of it.
How is it that it was so "easy" to conceive our sweet little Birdie, only to lose her right before we got to meet her. And now, it seems that even though we are in a good place when we are trying, that what we want most we cannot have?
I am just so sad about this. So sad. So sad.
p.s. ba humbug.
Ok so the reason that I have felt the need to go private with this blog. We are at that point, you know past the 9 months of healing. We want very much to conceive another beautiful life.
I was convinced that in this past month that we had indeed done just that. Then the date that I should have got my "friend" came and went, and and then another day came (and I got SO excited!)...but then that afternoon guess who decided to show up. My hopes were totally slashed and I was so incredibly sad and depressed. I was weepy for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep that night...thinking about Birdie, and thinking about how much we want a brother or sister for her.
It feels like now that we are at the point to be trying and be doing so safely, knowing that my c-section scar is healed...that we have entered into yet another realm of disappointment. Disappointment and heartbreak if that trying does not do what you think and hope that it will.
I am diving into some deep shit here emotionally (as if I wasn't in that deep trench of emotion every day already!), and I just don't want to share this with some family. I just don't want to cause them any more emotional trauma that my emotional trauma could cause with things that I might say (and we don't really want them to know that we are ttc). I just need to vent, and in a more "private" space. Well, at least with people whom I have chosen to share in this emotional roller coaster with me. Those of you who know what the hell of losing your child is and can be, and then the other roller coaster of going ahead and wanting and trying to begin again.
So my friends, welcome to my personal emotional trench. Read all about how I am trying desperately to dig my way out of it.
How is it that it was so "easy" to conceive our sweet little Birdie, only to lose her right before we got to meet her. And now, it seems that even though we are in a good place when we are trying, that what we want most we cannot have?
I am just so sad about this. So sad. So sad.
p.s. ba humbug.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Need To Say Things That I just Can't Say Here
To any and all whom read this blog, I have made the decision to go make it private once again for a little while. There are things that I am thinking and feeling that I really need to say through my writing here that I just can't. So, I am going to make Birdie's blog private. If you want to be able to keep reading send me an email so that I can add your name to my reader list. I'm sorry but I need to be true to how I am feeling about some things, and I just cannot feel secure about doing it "in the open" right now.
I know you can understand.
Erin
edited to add: please send me an email with your email, that is how I am adding readers to my list. Some of you have requested to keep reading, but your email did not appear in your comment (when I clicked on your name your email did not appear). I am going to go private with this blog very, very soon...
To any and all whom read this blog, I have made the decision to go make it private once again for a little while. There are things that I am thinking and feeling that I really need to say through my writing here that I just can't. So, I am going to make Birdie's blog private. If you want to be able to keep reading send me an email so that I can add your name to my reader list. I'm sorry but I need to be true to how I am feeling about some things, and I just cannot feel secure about doing it "in the open" right now.
I know you can understand.
Erin
edited to add: please send me an email with your email, that is how I am adding readers to my list. Some of you have requested to keep reading, but your email did not appear in your comment (when I clicked on your name your email did not appear). I am going to go private with this blog very, very soon...
So Ultimately Sad.
There are so many reasons for what I feel right now, such utter and gutteral sadness. Some times the negatives in my life become way to overwhelming for me. Well of course they take me over, and I get knocked down. I get knocked down and it takes me a little bit to get back up. The two most recent losses of people that I know have really thrown me, and tossed my emotions. I don't know how to help these dear people and I want to so much.
For my own reasons I feel I have been bowed over in a way again. You see last week I had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a live baby. This birth was very different from Birdies, it was quick and unnatended, not even my dearest Matt was there.
I don't know what to make of that. From where I sit right now yet another negative leaves me feeling heartbroken and at a loss. I really could use some hope right now, I really really could. I am trying to be positive about the future, but I don't want to wait for the future, I want that future now. I want to be closer to a miracle than the distance away that I am at right now.
But really, I just don't want my reality. I just want that sweet little girl who was born of my body on March 3rd 2007. Why can't I just have that miracle and hold her in my arms.
Today I feel beaten and broken.
There are so many reasons for what I feel right now, such utter and gutteral sadness. Some times the negatives in my life become way to overwhelming for me. Well of course they take me over, and I get knocked down. I get knocked down and it takes me a little bit to get back up. The two most recent losses of people that I know have really thrown me, and tossed my emotions. I don't know how to help these dear people and I want to so much.
For my own reasons I feel I have been bowed over in a way again. You see last week I had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a live baby. This birth was very different from Birdies, it was quick and unnatended, not even my dearest Matt was there.
I don't know what to make of that. From where I sit right now yet another negative leaves me feeling heartbroken and at a loss. I really could use some hope right now, I really really could. I am trying to be positive about the future, but I don't want to wait for the future, I want that future now. I want to be closer to a miracle than the distance away that I am at right now.
But really, I just don't want my reality. I just want that sweet little girl who was born of my body on March 3rd 2007. Why can't I just have that miracle and hold her in my arms.
Today I feel beaten and broken.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Another Loss
Last night I learned that 2 very dear friends of ours have lost another pregnancy (their fourth). I am so sad and sick over this. What the fuck is wrong with the universe this year? I mean really, how much more death can possibly come before the new year? I probably shouldn't ask that question. I am seriously ill over this. I just cannot believe it, these 2 lovely people who have been through so much, they deserve another baby of their own. THEY DESERVE ANOTHER BABY OF THEIR OWN!
To my dear friends, I am so sorry for your loss.
Last night I learned that 2 very dear friends of ours have lost another pregnancy (their fourth). I am so sad and sick over this. What the fuck is wrong with the universe this year? I mean really, how much more death can possibly come before the new year? I probably shouldn't ask that question. I am seriously ill over this. I just cannot believe it, these 2 lovely people who have been through so much, they deserve another baby of their own. THEY DESERVE ANOTHER BABY OF THEIR OWN!
To my dear friends, I am so sorry for your loss.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Waiting & The Silence
Now that we have come this far, 9 months and nearly 2 weeks I look back in a little bit of disbelief. I know that I have said this before, but sometimes it really seems as though I could not have ever been pregnant with Birdie. I mean for all of that time that was spent to care for her through what I ate and changing jobs to be off of my feet...and only to end with her death seems so incredibly insane! And it is! It really really is, to be living this reality that we now call life without the baby we made seems so surreal, and it is. The silence in here is very real to me, every day that I am here sitting and working or knitting...or watching a movie with Matt. The silence still there. No crying baby, no heavy breathing sounds on my chest, no nursing infant to fill the silence. Just pure, heavy silence.
To be here in this moment writing these words is surreal to me. Who I have become and how I have changed sometimes just feels to weird, because it is. I don't know if anything I am saying makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. As many of you know I was given the recommendation of waiting at least 9 months before starting to try again. Being here and past the 9 month point feels strange and as much as I want to write about it, I don't think that I can do that here. Just know that we are ok, that we can say that we are happy people again, and that we are more in love with each other than ever. We are ok. Yes, despite the emotional trauma we have experienced and live with and continue to we are ok.
Last weekend we went to see my folks, as my brothers birthday was last Saturday, and mums was on Monday. They have a new puppy, and of course we took some pictures!
Now that we have come this far, 9 months and nearly 2 weeks I look back in a little bit of disbelief. I know that I have said this before, but sometimes it really seems as though I could not have ever been pregnant with Birdie. I mean for all of that time that was spent to care for her through what I ate and changing jobs to be off of my feet...and only to end with her death seems so incredibly insane! And it is! It really really is, to be living this reality that we now call life without the baby we made seems so surreal, and it is. The silence in here is very real to me, every day that I am here sitting and working or knitting...or watching a movie with Matt. The silence still there. No crying baby, no heavy breathing sounds on my chest, no nursing infant to fill the silence. Just pure, heavy silence.
To be here in this moment writing these words is surreal to me. Who I have become and how I have changed sometimes just feels to weird, because it is. I don't know if anything I am saying makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. As many of you know I was given the recommendation of waiting at least 9 months before starting to try again. Being here and past the 9 month point feels strange and as much as I want to write about it, I don't think that I can do that here. Just know that we are ok, that we can say that we are happy people again, and that we are more in love with each other than ever. We are ok. Yes, despite the emotional trauma we have experienced and live with and continue to we are ok.
Last weekend we went to see my folks, as my brothers birthday was last Saturday, and mums was on Monday. They have a new puppy, and of course we took some pictures!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Samuel Nadav Is Here!
Early this morning at 12:09am Beruriah gave birth! YES! WOOHOO!
http://furtherrecords.wordpress.com
Welcome baby Samuel, Welcome! Congratulations Mama & Papa.....I am so beyond happy for you!
Early this morning at 12:09am Beruriah gave birth! YES! WOOHOO!
http://furtherrecords.wordpress.com
Welcome baby Samuel, Welcome! Congratulations Mama & Papa.....I am so beyond happy for you!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Aamaa
I think that is what I would like to be called by when I eventually become mama to a living child, to Birdie's brother or sister...Aaamaa! I love the way that this word sounds. It's Nepali for "Mother". Or maybe Aamaa Mama!
I am not going to be blogging very much about this subject (about subsequent pregnancy, NO I am not pregnant!) because we want to be private about it.
To my fellow bloggers, how did you handle your decisions with subsequent deliveries? Family pressure to do this or that etc.
edited to add: while I know very well that there are many who will be extremely concerned for me when I am pregnant again, I respect that concern. I respect that you will be anxious as well when you hear the news that I am in labor. I know that you care very much about us. It's just too much to hear people tell us what we should do the next time, what hospital to go to or why we should go there. That is all I really mean when I say that it is too much to take on other's anxiety. Of course we are going to make the right choice for us, the safest choice. I know you love us very much. I do not mean to sound like I am ungrateful, because I am not. It is your love and support that helped us so much in the weeks after Birdie died.
I think that is what I would like to be called by when I eventually become mama to a living child, to Birdie's brother or sister...Aaamaa! I love the way that this word sounds. It's Nepali for "Mother". Or maybe Aamaa Mama!
I am not going to be blogging very much about this subject (about subsequent pregnancy, NO I am not pregnant!) because we want to be private about it.
To my fellow bloggers, how did you handle your decisions with subsequent deliveries? Family pressure to do this or that etc.
edited to add: while I know very well that there are many who will be extremely concerned for me when I am pregnant again, I respect that concern. I respect that you will be anxious as well when you hear the news that I am in labor. I know that you care very much about us. It's just too much to hear people tell us what we should do the next time, what hospital to go to or why we should go there. That is all I really mean when I say that it is too much to take on other's anxiety. Of course we are going to make the right choice for us, the safest choice. I know you love us very much. I do not mean to sound like I am ungrateful, because I am not. It is your love and support that helped us so much in the weeks after Birdie died.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Our Children In Our Hearts Forever
On thursday night I got together with Charlotte's Mama and Papa, and Charlotte's siblings Liam and Aiofe (Matt had class so he was unable to join us). We all went to our local Angel Statue for the December 6th candle lighting for our children. We were the only people who came for the candle lighting. So it was a close, intimate time for us to remember baby Charlotte and baby Birdie. Next year we will put the word out about the candle lighting, and hopefully more people will come.
Tonight, there is a worldwide candle lighting. The 11th annual worldwide candle lighting."Communities across the globe will be joining in The Compassionate Friends 11th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting on December 9, 2007".
On thursday night I got together with Charlotte's Mama and Papa, and Charlotte's siblings Liam and Aiofe (Matt had class so he was unable to join us). We all went to our local Angel Statue for the December 6th candle lighting for our children. We were the only people who came for the candle lighting. So it was a close, intimate time for us to remember baby Charlotte and baby Birdie. Next year we will put the word out about the candle lighting, and hopefully more people will come.
Tonight, there is a worldwide candle lighting. The 11th annual worldwide candle lighting."Communities across the globe will be joining in The Compassionate Friends 11th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting on December 9, 2007".
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
rubybird phoenix
Matt has been making some pretty interesting musical compositions.
Take a listen.
http://www.myspace.com/rubybirdphoenix
Matt has been making some pretty interesting musical compositions.
Take a listen.
http://www.myspace.com/rubybirdphoenix
Monday, December 03, 2007
9 Months
Here we are, the 2 of us. We sit here 9 months since our sweet little Birdie died. 9 months since I gave birth to a bird who few out of me. I feel great sadness today, this great loss has impacted the both of us in so many ways, ways in which we are conscious of, and other ways that we are not. The pain is great today, I feel it more than I have in a while. I am not sure why, maybe because it has been a full 9 months....the length of time I was so very fortunate enough to carry her.
The last 2 years of our life together have been sequences of 9 months. We unexpectedly became pregnant with Birdie 9 months after we were married. Then, I carried her for those long (I was not in a hurry to not be pregnant anymore), lovely and sacred 9 months. Now here we are at yet another 9 month passage of weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds.
I can only hope for us to be blessed again.
So, I am reserving this day for myself. I am reserving today to be a quiet, peaceful reflective one. It feels right to take today to soak up the sadness of the last 9 months (not that we don't already do this every day). I will look through the album of Birdie's photos, I will read through the hospital paperwork and the midwives report and I will cry...and cry a lot. That is ok, because that is just what I need to do.
Today is Birdie's day.
If you read this and think of her on this day, whisper her name...give her a little hello. I hope that she can bring some light to you if you are feeling the darkness surrounding you. She brings me light, she brings me light and love that I never knew could exist. All consuming, enormous love.
Yes, our curtain of grief is lifted, and there is a lot of light coming in. There is however, still a bit that won't ever fully lift. As I have said before, that is ok. That little bit need not lift but serve as a reminder. The curtain's edge is where we shall remain with our great abounding grief and sorrow. We can never pass through that curtain, for on the other side is innocence.
And innocent we are not, innocent we cannot become again.
To our sweet little Birdie, it breaks my heart so deeply to think about who you would be right now, in this moment, right here. I often imagine how it would be to look into your eyes, to meet your stare. I am sure that it would have been as intense to look into your eyes as it is to look into your Papa's. Those great oceans of blue that glimmer in any kind of light, I am sure that your eyes would have reflected in that same gorgeous way. To be able to see my reflection in your eyes, and yours in mine...oh how that fantasy just aches within me.
In these last 9 months you have had a great impact on so many. We speak of you all the time. Your beauty and peacefulness has been shared with all whom will listen, and we weave our love for you, and our sorrow into our creativity so that we can continue to share you with others.
Birdie, I am still your Mama, and always will be. Papa is still your Papa, and always will be. We are still a family, and always will be. Birdie we love you so very much, and I am sorry you had to go...we know your little baby spirit is always with us.
Dearest Birdie I hope to one day be able to look into the eyes of your brother or sister and see you there. I hope to see your spirit within theirs, to find us all in a kind of way brought back together. To see and experience what it would have been like to meet your stare and see myself reflected in your gentle baby blue eyes.
We love you Birdie, more and more as time passes. You burrow deeper and deeper with our hearts and our souls.
Love, Mama & Papa
Here we are, the 2 of us. We sit here 9 months since our sweet little Birdie died. 9 months since I gave birth to a bird who few out of me. I feel great sadness today, this great loss has impacted the both of us in so many ways, ways in which we are conscious of, and other ways that we are not. The pain is great today, I feel it more than I have in a while. I am not sure why, maybe because it has been a full 9 months....the length of time I was so very fortunate enough to carry her.
The last 2 years of our life together have been sequences of 9 months. We unexpectedly became pregnant with Birdie 9 months after we were married. Then, I carried her for those long (I was not in a hurry to not be pregnant anymore), lovely and sacred 9 months. Now here we are at yet another 9 month passage of weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds.
I can only hope for us to be blessed again.
So, I am reserving this day for myself. I am reserving today to be a quiet, peaceful reflective one. It feels right to take today to soak up the sadness of the last 9 months (not that we don't already do this every day). I will look through the album of Birdie's photos, I will read through the hospital paperwork and the midwives report and I will cry...and cry a lot. That is ok, because that is just what I need to do.
Today is Birdie's day.
If you read this and think of her on this day, whisper her name...give her a little hello. I hope that she can bring some light to you if you are feeling the darkness surrounding you. She brings me light, she brings me light and love that I never knew could exist. All consuming, enormous love.
Yes, our curtain of grief is lifted, and there is a lot of light coming in. There is however, still a bit that won't ever fully lift. As I have said before, that is ok. That little bit need not lift but serve as a reminder. The curtain's edge is where we shall remain with our great abounding grief and sorrow. We can never pass through that curtain, for on the other side is innocence.
And innocent we are not, innocent we cannot become again.
To our sweet little Birdie, it breaks my heart so deeply to think about who you would be right now, in this moment, right here. I often imagine how it would be to look into your eyes, to meet your stare. I am sure that it would have been as intense to look into your eyes as it is to look into your Papa's. Those great oceans of blue that glimmer in any kind of light, I am sure that your eyes would have reflected in that same gorgeous way. To be able to see my reflection in your eyes, and yours in mine...oh how that fantasy just aches within me.
In these last 9 months you have had a great impact on so many. We speak of you all the time. Your beauty and peacefulness has been shared with all whom will listen, and we weave our love for you, and our sorrow into our creativity so that we can continue to share you with others.
Birdie, I am still your Mama, and always will be. Papa is still your Papa, and always will be. We are still a family, and always will be. Birdie we love you so very much, and I am sorry you had to go...we know your little baby spirit is always with us.
Dearest Birdie I hope to one day be able to look into the eyes of your brother or sister and see you there. I hope to see your spirit within theirs, to find us all in a kind of way brought back together. To see and experience what it would have been like to meet your stare and see myself reflected in your gentle baby blue eyes.
We love you Birdie, more and more as time passes. You burrow deeper and deeper with our hearts and our souls.
Love, Mama & Papa
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Tonight We Had A "Macy" Dance Party
So today we got out of the house for a bit, and I did something that I very rarely do. I bought some CD's. Its been so long since I bought any music. I have been kind obsessed with listening to Air America while I work. So, music has not been playing in the house much. Not while I am here anyways. The point here is, I bought Madonna's most "Confessions On The Dance Floor" album. We played it when we got home and WHOA! I don't know if any of you are fans of electronic music, you might not know that we are. I fucking love this cd, its so good. Its most definitely a mood lifter, and a booty shaker! I highly recommend this for any music collection. You never know when you might want to shake your ass to some electronified dance floor music!
So sometimes when we listen to hip hop, or electronic music we have what we call a "Macy" dance party...we literally dance with Macy! Its really pretty funny and lifts our spirits. So, with the Madonna bumpin' on the boombox tonight we had a Macy dance party.
Here is a little sneak peek! If you look closely you will see that Birdie made her way into some of the photos.
I hope that this makes you smile, and maybe laugh.
So today we got out of the house for a bit, and I did something that I very rarely do. I bought some CD's. Its been so long since I bought any music. I have been kind obsessed with listening to Air America while I work. So, music has not been playing in the house much. Not while I am here anyways. The point here is, I bought Madonna's most "Confessions On The Dance Floor" album. We played it when we got home and WHOA! I don't know if any of you are fans of electronic music, you might not know that we are. I fucking love this cd, its so good. Its most definitely a mood lifter, and a booty shaker! I highly recommend this for any music collection. You never know when you might want to shake your ass to some electronified dance floor music!
So sometimes when we listen to hip hop, or electronic music we have what we call a "Macy" dance party...we literally dance with Macy! Its really pretty funny and lifts our spirits. So, with the Madonna bumpin' on the boombox tonight we had a Macy dance party.
Here is a little sneak peek! If you look closely you will see that Birdie made her way into some of the photos.
I hope that this makes you smile, and maybe laugh.
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